Wednesday, February 02, 2005
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THIS WAS PROVIDED TO ME BY A PATRON NAMED BILL. APOLOGIES FOR NOT PROVIDING REAL ATTRIBUTION.
IF WOMEN DRINK....
Beer: Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella: Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch & Soda: Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Water: Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask): Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try to weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: Personality: Easy, thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Cape Velvet: Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila,Vodka,Aftershock,etc.): Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
IF MEN DRINK...(As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet, etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
IF WOMEN DRINK....
Beer: Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella: Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch & Soda: Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Water: Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask): Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try to weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: Personality: Easy, thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Cape Velvet: Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila,Vodka,Aftershock,etc.): Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
IF MEN DRINK...(As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet, etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
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