Tuesday, June 29, 2004
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ANTICIPATION
Going to a matinee tomorrow of Spider-Man 2. I'm excited.
Going to a matinee tomorrow of Spider-Man 2. I'm excited.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
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GEOGRAPHY FOR THE AGES
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq-
ruled by a dick.
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq-
ruled by a dick.
Friday, June 25, 2004
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FOR MEN ONLY
I happened across this looking through an Esquire (men's mag) in the office last night. You gals out there are not to read it.
IMPOSSIBLE CHOICES FOR A MAN
Burn apricot incense, or leave the window open and freeze.
Sex with a fat chick who knows what she's doing, or sex with a beautiful chick who just lies there.
Jog with this hot chick at five in the morning, or sleep for extra four hours.
Receding hairline or bald spot on top of head.
Sit through new Ben Affleck movie or walk to theater barefoot over shards of glass.
Have your mortgage paid off, or have threesome with Jennifer Garner and Heather Graham.
Dial 10-10-321-567-88-10-321 before every phone call, or just dial the number you want and pay the extra three cents.
Masturbate to L.L. Bean catalog or a drawing of a woman in Yellow Pages.
I happened across this looking through an Esquire (men's mag) in the office last night. You gals out there are not to read it.
IMPOSSIBLE CHOICES FOR A MAN
Burn apricot incense, or leave the window open and freeze.
Sex with a fat chick who knows what she's doing, or sex with a beautiful chick who just lies there.
Jog with this hot chick at five in the morning, or sleep for extra four hours.
Receding hairline or bald spot on top of head.
Sit through new Ben Affleck movie or walk to theater barefoot over shards of glass.
Have your mortgage paid off, or have threesome with Jennifer Garner and Heather Graham.
Dial 10-10-321-567-88-10-321 before every phone call, or just dial the number you want and pay the extra three cents.
Masturbate to L.L. Bean catalog or a drawing of a woman in Yellow Pages.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
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KITZI ON THE DOLE
I believe I've mentioned before that if you've never had fresh pineapple from Hawaii, you've never had pineapple. It's worth repeating. If you've never had fresh pineapple from Hawaii, you've never had pineapple.
In our never-ending quest for cheap dates, K and I took a tour of the Dole pineapple plantation. It is funny to me how few tourist-y things K has done on O'ahu. But then I probably haven't done many of the tourist-y things around Chicago either. However, he claims to have visited the plantation on a class field trip years ago.
So what would you like to know about pineapple? No, it isn't native to Hawaii, but it found a good home here.
I believe I've mentioned before that if you've never had fresh pineapple from Hawaii, you've never had pineapple. It's worth repeating. If you've never had fresh pineapple from Hawaii, you've never had pineapple.
In our never-ending quest for cheap dates, K and I took a tour of the Dole pineapple plantation. It is funny to me how few tourist-y things K has done on O'ahu. But then I probably haven't done many of the tourist-y things around Chicago either. However, he claims to have visited the plantation on a class field trip years ago.
So what would you like to know about pineapple? No, it isn't native to Hawaii, but it found a good home here.
Monday, June 21, 2004
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As with the previous post, apologogies to those for whom this is a twice-told tale:
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Friday, June 18, 2004
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Just passing this along:
12 (sarcastic) reasons gay marriage should be illegal
This was sent to us by our stalwart contributor,
Ginger K. It is credited to one Dino Pollard.
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses,
polyester, heart surgery, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they
produce children. Which is why infertile couples and
old people can't legally get married.
3. Gay parents will raise gay children, since straight
parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay
marriage is allowed. Britney Spears' 55-hour
just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time
and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks
can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the
courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not
courts, have historically protected the rights of the
minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a
theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are
imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only
one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in
the same way that hanging around tall people will make
you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all
kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry
their pets because a dog has legal standing and can
sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a
female role model at home. That's why single parents
are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of
society. We could never adapt to new social norms
because we haven't adapted to things like cars, longer
life spans, or women voting.
12. Civil unions that provide most of the benefits as
marriage, but with a different name, are better
because a "separate but equal" institution is always
constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans
worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and
lesbians will.
See! A bad attitude has a valuable place in society.
12 (sarcastic) reasons gay marriage should be illegal
This was sent to us by our stalwart contributor,
Ginger K. It is credited to one Dino Pollard.
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses,
polyester, heart surgery, and birth control.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they
produce children. Which is why infertile couples and
old people can't legally get married.
3. Gay parents will raise gay children, since straight
parents only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay
marriage is allowed. Britney Spears' 55-hour
just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time
and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks
can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the
courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not
courts, have historically protected the rights of the
minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a
theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are
imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only
one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in
the same way that hanging around tall people will make
you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all
kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry
their pets because a dog has legal standing and can
sign a marriage contract.
10. Children can never succeed without a male and a
female role model at home. That's why single parents
are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of
society. We could never adapt to new social norms
because we haven't adapted to things like cars, longer
life spans, or women voting.
12. Civil unions that provide most of the benefits as
marriage, but with a different name, are better
because a "separate but equal" institution is always
constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans
worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and
lesbians will.
See! A bad attitude has a valuable place in society.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
|
HIATUS?
I have decided to suspend my blog. When I started, I expected to be able to report on all sorts of interesting anecdotes about Hawaii and bartending for tourists but I have found that anything blogworthy comes along all too infrequently.
What I have discovered is that there are many wonderful bloggers - some of whom I feel have become friends - whose entries are far more creative and entertaining than mine have been. I sincerely thank those of you who visited me and look forward to continuing to read you all and commenting more often than I have on your fun, poignant, and thought-provoking blogs instead of feebly trying to make my own.
I have decided to suspend my blog. When I started, I expected to be able to report on all sorts of interesting anecdotes about Hawaii and bartending for tourists but I have found that anything blogworthy comes along all too infrequently.
What I have discovered is that there are many wonderful bloggers - some of whom I feel have become friends - whose entries are far more creative and entertaining than mine have been. I sincerely thank those of you who visited me and look forward to continuing to read you all and commenting more often than I have on your fun, poignant, and thought-provoking blogs instead of feebly trying to make my own.
Friday, June 11, 2004
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I had to work at the bank today, but it is one of my rare Friday nights off from the bar, so K is coming over. Yay! We're both broke, so we're just going to stay in and watch movies and eat tacos. I told him he should spend the night, so we don't have to worry about the bus schedule.
Never did save enough money to go to Portland for my cousin's wedding. I love it here, but it's a long way from my family.
Never did save enough money to go to Portland for my cousin's wedding. I love it here, but it's a long way from my family.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
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EQUAL TIME - COURTESY OF CHRIS
Chris has provided a male perspective in a comment to me and for those who didn't see it there, in the interest of fair play and in recognition of his keen insight, I want to give it as much exposure as I can by republishing it below.
WORDS MEN USE
What Do You Want From Me?" - This is a delaying tactic. Most females will actually pause for a moment to think of an answer, which doesn't matter because the male will neither listen or follow said answer.
"Is There Something Wrong?" - Another delaying tactic. The male could not really help you anyway if you actually told him.
"You're Right, It's My Fault." - The male is actually denying blame but wants to end the argument.
"I'm Sorry." - Again, the male is actually denying blame but wants to end the argument.
"I Love You." - Both a delaying tactic and argument stopper. It usually gives the male somewhere between 12 hours to 3 days of relative peace and quiet*.
"Do You Want To Move In Together?" - See "I Love You" entry. Good for 1-3 weeks RP&Q. He only really means it if he has made a duplicate key.
"Will You Marry Me?" - Again, see "I Love You" entry. Good for 4-6 weeks of RP&Q. He only really means it if he bought the ring.
*"Relative Peace & Quiet" is a subjective term as determined by the male. The truth is relationships with females are very seldom peaceful and never quiet.
Chris has provided a male perspective in a comment to me and for those who didn't see it there, in the interest of fair play and in recognition of his keen insight, I want to give it as much exposure as I can by republishing it below.
WORDS MEN USE
What Do You Want From Me?" - This is a delaying tactic. Most females will actually pause for a moment to think of an answer, which doesn't matter because the male will neither listen or follow said answer.
"Is There Something Wrong?" - Another delaying tactic. The male could not really help you anyway if you actually told him.
"You're Right, It's My Fault." - The male is actually denying blame but wants to end the argument.
"I'm Sorry." - Again, the male is actually denying blame but wants to end the argument.
"I Love You." - Both a delaying tactic and argument stopper. It usually gives the male somewhere between 12 hours to 3 days of relative peace and quiet*.
"Do You Want To Move In Together?" - See "I Love You" entry. Good for 1-3 weeks RP&Q. He only really means it if he has made a duplicate key.
"Will You Marry Me?" - Again, see "I Love You" entry. Good for 4-6 weeks of RP&Q. He only really means it if he bought the ring.
*"Relative Peace & Quiet" is a subjective term as determined by the male. The truth is relationships with females are very seldom peaceful and never quiet.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
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WORDS WOMEN USE
"FINE"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"FIVE MINUTES"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"NOTHING"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
"GO AHEAD"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
*LOUD SIGH*
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
"FINE"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
"FIVE MINUTES"
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
"NOTHING"
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
"GO AHEAD"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
*LOUD SIGH*
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
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PRISONER OF AZKABAN
I liked the movie, but I do question whether someone who hasn't read the books would have been able to follow the story. This was my favorite of the books, and my favorite of the movies, too. There were some things left out, obviously, but it seemed to me that they stayed true to the spirit of the story, and it was a visual treat.
I liked the movie, but I do question whether someone who hasn't read the books would have been able to follow the story. This was my favorite of the books, and my favorite of the movies, too. There were some things left out, obviously, but it seemed to me that they stayed true to the spirit of the story, and it was a visual treat.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
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GENTLE ON MY MIND
"It's knowin' that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk ..."
That song with a hit before most bloggers were born but I heard it on an oldies station yesterday and it struck home. I'm sure some would think K regards me as no more than a comfortable old shoe but I'd like to believe I'm gentle on his mind as a friend he can call on to see a movie with, hike with, and exchange banter about a variety of topics. And I can always hope - assuming he doesn't plan to be a professional student - that when he completes his education, his mind will seek a more committed relationship.
We're off to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban this afternoon. I've read the book and will be interested in seeing the movie version.
"It's knowin' that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk ..."
That song with a hit before most bloggers were born but I heard it on an oldies station yesterday and it struck home. I'm sure some would think K regards me as no more than a comfortable old shoe but I'd like to believe I'm gentle on his mind as a friend he can call on to see a movie with, hike with, and exchange banter about a variety of topics. And I can always hope - assuming he doesn't plan to be a professional student - that when he completes his education, his mind will seek a more committed relationship.
We're off to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban this afternoon. I've read the book and will be interested in seeing the movie version.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
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GUESS WHO?
Can you identify the person who said this?
"I shall give a good reason for starting this war which propaganda can exploit - though it does not matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked later on by the vanquished whether we told the truth or not. In starting or making war it is not right which matters but victory."
Can you identify the person who said this?
"I shall give a good reason for starting this war which propaganda can exploit - though it does not matter whether it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked later on by the vanquished whether we told the truth or not. In starting or making war it is not right which matters but victory."
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
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I had to place a phone call to a place called Just Like Home and apparently dialed the wrong number. The woman who answered sounded elderly.
Elderly Woman: Hello
Me: Is this Just Like Home?
EW: Are you stupid?
Elderly Woman: Hello
Me: Is this Just Like Home?
EW: Are you stupid?
