Monday, February 28, 2005
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This is not original, but funny and maybe even insightful here and there.
AS I MATURE...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it takes only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
AS I MATURE...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it takes only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.
Friday, February 25, 2005
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TALK TO ME ABOUT COMMUNICATION
All the readers I know of out there are good at written communication. So tell me how well you communicate in personal relationships. Do your writing skills translate well into oral communication? I'm not so sure about mine.
Has this every happened to you? While having what seems to be an innocuous conversation, you are suddenly, without warning, plunged into battle?
Gosh, I feel kind of miserable and I can't sleep.
All the readers I know of out there are good at written communication. So tell me how well you communicate in personal relationships. Do your writing skills translate well into oral communication? I'm not so sure about mine.
Has this every happened to you? While having what seems to be an innocuous conversation, you are suddenly, without warning, plunged into battle?
Gosh, I feel kind of miserable and I can't sleep.
Monday, February 21, 2005
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WINGING IT SIDEWAYS
Having grown up in a household that watched "Wings" during its prime-time run, I was skeptical of being able to visualize Thomas Haden Church as anyone other than Lowell, the slow-witted airplane mechanic. But feeling it my profesional obligation to see a movie about wine-tasting, I spent 15 seconds coaxing Joan into taking in a matinee.
It's no surprise that an odyssey of two men on a week-long tour of wineries would be an offbeat story. I don't want to give too much away to people who haven't seen it but this film covers an impressive roller coaster ride of emotions.
Santa Barbara County has used the movie to promote the real-life vineyards shown in it as a tourist attraction.
Having grown up in a household that watched "Wings" during its prime-time run, I was skeptical of being able to visualize Thomas Haden Church as anyone other than Lowell, the slow-witted airplane mechanic. But feeling it my profesional obligation to see a movie about wine-tasting, I spent 15 seconds coaxing Joan into taking in a matinee.
It's no surprise that an odyssey of two men on a week-long tour of wineries would be an offbeat story. I don't want to give too much away to people who haven't seen it but this film covers an impressive roller coaster ride of emotions.
Santa Barbara County has used the movie to promote the real-life vineyards shown in it as a tourist attraction.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
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BY POPULAR DEMAND
Due to the overwhelming interest in my abduction (FOUR comments so far), Peter Jennings of ABC News has scheduled a 2-hour special next week.
Feb 24 08:00pm
"UFO: Seeing Is Believing"
Unexplained phenomena and reports of unidentified flying objects include stories of alien landings and abductions from scientists, pilots, police officers, military personnel and Kitzi.
Now for question and answer time:
First, Wes, yes, the alien females have blue hair, but it looks sort of like Marge Simpson's, so it might not be what you have in mind. But no matter, they already have their eye on you as a leader.
Good news, Tamara: Not only is Carob alive and well, but she communicates now by an interface thing kind of like Stephen Hawking has, and she says she actually liked wearing the pajamas.
Sydney, I'm sorry, but I looked everywhere for Mulder and couldn't find him.
And finally, Amanda, I'll have to go back for a boob count. I was so busy looking at the male alien butts, I didn't pay attention to the females (except for the blue hair).
Due to the overwhelming interest in my abduction (FOUR comments so far), Peter Jennings of ABC News has scheduled a 2-hour special next week.
Feb 24 08:00pm
"UFO: Seeing Is Believing"
Unexplained phenomena and reports of unidentified flying objects include stories of alien landings and abductions from scientists, pilots, police officers, military personnel and Kitzi.
Now for question and answer time:
First, Wes, yes, the alien females have blue hair, but it looks sort of like Marge Simpson's, so it might not be what you have in mind. But no matter, they already have their eye on you as a leader.
Good news, Tamara: Not only is Carob alive and well, but she communicates now by an interface thing kind of like Stephen Hawking has, and she says she actually liked wearing the pajamas.
Sydney, I'm sorry, but I looked everywhere for Mulder and couldn't find him.
And finally, Amanda, I'll have to go back for a boob count. I was so busy looking at the male alien butts, I didn't pay attention to the females (except for the blue hair).
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
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CONFESSION
One of the multitude of fans of this blog sent an email expressing concern about my recent absence, so I've decided to tell the whole story here and now.
Friends...I was abducted by aliens. And not for the first time, either. It started when I was in high school. Only this time they took me back to the mother ship and kept me for almost a month.
You've all seen those little blue-ish night light things that plug into your outlet? Of course, you have. But what you didn't know is that those are used for communication with the mother ship. Stick with me and I'll guide you through the coming invasion.
One of the multitude of fans of this blog sent an email expressing concern about my recent absence, so I've decided to tell the whole story here and now.
Friends...I was abducted by aliens. And not for the first time, either. It started when I was in high school. Only this time they took me back to the mother ship and kept me for almost a month.
You've all seen those little blue-ish night light things that plug into your outlet? Of course, you have. But what you didn't know is that those are used for communication with the mother ship. Stick with me and I'll guide you through the coming invasion.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
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ROBIN MORGAN SINGS DO HO
After a drink or two, bar patrons often feel they have conjured up solutions to all the world's problems but fact is that banter normally runs from mundane to more mundane. This is not necessarily any less so but last night there was a conversation about "profoundness" in media. One example cited was The Grapes of Wrath - a compelling fictional story but set against stark social and economic history. I'm soliciting opinions about what constitutes "profound." It could be a book or movie or perhaps even music or a TV show. Or possibly some combination such as Barber's haunting Adagio for Strings as the theme in Platoon. (Which was less hauntingly reprised on Seinfeld when Frank Costanza poisoned his comrades in Korea.)
Opinions are obviously subjective but that's the idea. What, if anything, in any media, would you label as "profound"?
On the same subject, Grammys tonight have a category on Hawaiian music. Make sure you're logged on to Amazon so you can one-click the winning CD's before they're sold out.
After a drink or two, bar patrons often feel they have conjured up solutions to all the world's problems but fact is that banter normally runs from mundane to more mundane. This is not necessarily any less so but last night there was a conversation about "profoundness" in media. One example cited was The Grapes of Wrath - a compelling fictional story but set against stark social and economic history. I'm soliciting opinions about what constitutes "profound." It could be a book or movie or perhaps even music or a TV show. Or possibly some combination such as Barber's haunting Adagio for Strings as the theme in Platoon. (Which was less hauntingly reprised on Seinfeld when Frank Costanza poisoned his comrades in Korea.)
Opinions are obviously subjective but that's the idea. What, if anything, in any media, would you label as "profound"?
On the same subject, Grammys tonight have a category on Hawaiian music. Make sure you're logged on to Amazon so you can one-click the winning CD's before they're sold out.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
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THIS WAS PROVIDED TO ME BY A PATRON NAMED BILL. APOLOGIES FOR NOT PROVIDING REAL ATTRIBUTION.
IF WOMEN DRINK....
Beer: Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella: Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch & Soda: Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Water: Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask): Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try to weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: Personality: Easy, thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Cape Velvet: Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila,Vodka,Aftershock,etc.): Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
IF MEN DRINK...(As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet, etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
IF WOMEN DRINK....
Beer: Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella: Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch & Soda: Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Water: Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don't
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask): Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try to weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: Personality: Easy, thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Cape Velvet: Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila,Vodka,Aftershock,etc.): Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
IF MEN DRINK...(As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky: He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet, etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc.: He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
