Pineapple & Macadamia Breeze

THE RULES

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If rule #6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to feel angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to change these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

MEN’S RULES

Now here are the rules from the men's side. Please note ... these are All numbered 1 on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Ask for what you want! Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. If something we said could be taken two ways, and one of them makes you sad or upset, we meant the other way.

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both! If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus and Marco Polo did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And, we have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

CLOSING THE GENDER GAP

CLASSES FOR MEN

Note: Due to complexity and level of difficulty each course will be limited to a maximum of eight participants.

Topic One: How to fill ice cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic Two: Toilet paper rolls. Do they grow on the holders? Round table Discussion.
Topic Three: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic Four: The after-dinner dishes and cutlery. Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on Video.
Topic Five: Loss of identity. Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline & support groups.
Topic Six: Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic Seven: Health watch. Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics & Audio tape.
Topic Eight: Real men ask for directions when lost. Real Life Testimonials.
Topic Nine: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic Ten: Learning to live. Basic differences between mother and wife. On-line class and role playing.
Topic Eleven: How to be the ideal shopping companion.Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic Twelve: How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you are going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN

Women already think they know everything, but wait...training courses are now available on the following subjects:
1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone
Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After
The Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet
Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the
First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You want Without
Nagging.
10. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You CAN acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up.
12. Introduction To Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact Or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon Eggs And Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran & Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How Not To Inflict Your Diets on Other
People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women
Notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil & Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE FOOLS ALL OF THE TIME ....

Evidence is growing that, to get US to knock out Saddam, Iraqi dissidents fed false stories of Weapons of Mass Destruction which Bush, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz devoured and Cheney really pigged out on.

History will tell whether invasion of Iraq contained terrorists or inflamed them.

Time for a Radical Executive Mastectomy! (Get that boob out of office.)

Do you ever feel kind of overwhelmed and not sure what it is that's making you feel that way? I worked at the bank today, but I have the night off from the bar, so I have an evening ahead of me with no plans, which is rare.

Shouldn't this make me feel relaxed? No pressure? So what's eating me? I feel like I'm carrying around a box of rocks. Maybe I just need chocolate.

Hey, don't be looking at this page. You should be out having a good time. I'm going to the beach! Come join me.

HERE'S THE PLAN

I haven't been to bed yet, but most of you in my blog world are already at work.

I've been thinking about the election and have had a revelation about how Bush is going to win.

That crook Chalabi, whom the Bush people, primarily Cheney, relied on for invading Iraq, was raided and arrested for corruption by coalition forces last night.

Bush will throw Cheney on his sword, say that he was deceived, dump Cheney, pick Rudy Giuliani as his running mate and beat a hasty retreat from Iraq, leaving a country full of newly made terrorists who will hate our guts forever.

I have been reading Leap of Faith, the autobiography of Lisa Halaby, Princeton grad and daughter of a Swedish/European mother and an Arab father, who married King Hussein of Jordan and became Queen Noor. It is fascinating history on both a micro and macro scale and a perspective of a much more enlightened Muslim religion than we glean from the news on fundamentalist Muslim terrorists. But for universal relevance what caught my eye was this statement: "All newly married couples go through an adjustment period, and the King and I were no exception. The adjustments were more pronounced for me, of course; I had married into my husband's life much more than he had married into mine."

It made me wonder how many people marry into their spouse's life on an equal footing. One can imagine two high school sweethearts, from the same small town and the same faith, yet with no assurance of compatibility if, for example the husband spends all his free time with his buddies building race cars and drinking and his bride is home alone waiting for his greasy clothes to complete the rinse cycle so she can throw them in the dryer. Of course, I'm a long way from having The Hawaiian Wedding Song played for me but it did make me wonder. My middle America English ethnicity vs. K's Polynesian heritage I don't see as being an issue. My concern, rather, is would I just be his cook, laundress, and bill-payer against his post-PhD intellect and academia? Or could we really marry into each other's life?

Candeee asked if I had any favorite pieces in the Japan and Paris art exhibit K and I attended. I guess the most honest response I could make is that all of it was overwhelming to me. My background in the subject, such that it is, consists of an intro course on History of Western Art in college. I was sufficiently inspired from that to get my mom, on a subsequent birthday, framed prints of works by Van Gogh, Monet, and Renoir but I believe most people who have even a vague appreciation of art are attracted to impressionists and post-impressionists. This art drew the attention of collectors and artists in Japan and the exhibit shows the connection. The influence on what Japanese artists created is striking; I'm sure there are nuances which an expert would quickly recognize to differentiate French from Japanese painters but my eyes could sure not see them. K has remarkable lnowledge about all kinds of Asian art but he was every bit - excuse the pun - as impressed as I was by the similarities.

Almost time to head for my day job, but I wanted to respond to Wes and Candeee's comments, if nothing else. I read Wes's before my date yesterday, and appreciate his support. Wish I had read Candeee's ahead of time, too, as I would have made a point of noticing things and having a more specific response for her. I will say that I enjoyed the whole thing immensely. It doesn't seem like a very large museum at first, but there is SO MUCH to see.

BEHIND THE BAR AGAIN

Wendy suggested I should change the description of my blog to include my view from the bank. I'll consider it, but I think I'll decide whether that job is going to work out first. The bar is more fun and pays better.

K was celebrating finishing up a paper he has been working very hard on, and decided to surprise me by coming into the bar last night. It made me laugh when he laid his money on the bar as he sat down. I remember doing that in bars when I was in college, but it isn't common at the hotel bar where I work. He said I should surprise him with a drink, so I made him a Singapore Sling, in honor of his Asian studies. He loved it.

He invited me to join him at the Honolulu Academy of Arts tomorrow. I happen to know it's free the third Sunday of the month, but that's okay. He's a poor struggling student. And I'm thrifty by nature. He wanted to make sure I would be available and was going to make a reservation today. I'm looking forward to it.

SON OF PATRIOT ACT

Amanda asked me to elaborate about changes to banking as a result of the Big Brother Act. For any real bankers among you, I'm not an expert, having been working at a bank for only a short time, but I listen.

As a teller, the rules are stricter regarding identification, and this might not be a direct result of the Patriot Act, but came along at the same time, according to my sources. Most of it is probably reasonable in terms of general bank security procedures, but there is one thing that seems pretty silly to me. They are very specific about the type of ID accepted, and it cannot be expired. Fine, but it is also not supposed to be less than 60 days old. So if someone's ID has expired and they go get it renewed, they can't cash a check for two months? My solution is to fudge on the issue date of the ID when I write it down. There. Now I'll be fired.

The biggest changes seem to affect the new accounts and loan departments. Not only is identification a big deal for them, but they have to have independent verifications of physical address and employment before they can open accounts or give loans. This applies even to existing customers that they've served for years. It must be frustrating.

PATRIOT ACT

Having not worked at a bank until recently, I don't have a point of comparison, but in listening to the long term employees, it is apparent that the Patriot Act (referred to by Ray as the Big Brother Act) has made big changes in the banking world, and not for the better.

My only prior exposure to serious complaints was from the librarian when I got my library card. He wanted to make sure I was aware that according to the Patriot Act, the government has the right to know what books I check out.

That's just not right.

LORD OF THE FLIES

Bar banter last night - as in many gathering places, of course - centered around the abuse of the Iraqi prisoners. The President will be damned if he does and damned if he doesn't fire Rumsfeld. Arab media screaming at George's support of Rummy yet Prez must not appear weak and capitulate to shouting. And VP Cheney declared that Rumsfeld is the best Secretary of Defense the country has ever had - which is probably the most modest utterance he's ever made in that he was Secretary of Defense under Bush the Elder.

I know this is politically incorrect but I feel sorry for the American enlisted personnel who are taking the military judicial system's heat for what happened in Iraq prisons. I'm certainly not suggesting the sadism and humiliation heaped up those unfortunate Iraqis can in any way be condoned. It was wrong and the fallout will go on and on. But I wonder if there are not some among us who, if placed in that situation, might have gotten caught up in it - with or without official encouragement - and acted as did those who will be going on trial.

Whatever the case, a few courts martial won't satisfy the Arab world. Rumsfeld was not personally responsible but the buck supposedly stops with him - even though the Chain of Command rises higher. But if it were photos of American prisoners being treated as we treated the Iraqis, American blood would boil. Creating martyrs can have a price. Remember the Alamo. Remember the Maine.

TAKE IT TO THE BANK

Back to work at the bank again tomorrow. Mondays and Fridays are generally their busiest days, but they tell me this Monday was especially busy because it was the 3rd of the month which is the day lots of people get their social security checks.

I'm getting into the swing of things now, so I can banter with the customers a little. It's different from the banter in the bar, although there was a man cashing a check on Monday whose breath had a familiar odor and made me feel right at home.

Top Ten Things K Likes About Me

10. My skill at Scrabble: (He’s seriously competitive at the game.)

9. My organizational skill - as evidenced by my cleverly arranged (?) books, CD’s and DVD’s on the shelves in my apartment: (I can tell he’s impressed by the way he shakes his head and rolls his eyes.)

8. My proximity to the bus stop

7. My eclectic musical taste: (Flip a coin between Groban or Springsteen and be equally happy with either result.)

6. My gourmet cooking ability

5. My availability on short notice (no competition for my attention)

4. I like Charlie Chan movies.

3. I agree that Sunday brunch can be the best meal of the week.

2. My freezer snowball: (Hey, the man grew up in Hawaii. He’s never made a real snowball.)

And the Number One Thing K likes about me…..drumroll…. I’m the only person he knows who doesn’t know what a blog is.

CLUELESS IN HONOLULU

Eleven more soldiers killed in Iraq but there was some good news: the escape of Thomas Hamill. He's the truck driver from Mississippi who took a job with Halliburton because his family was destitute and whose picture was featured all over the place after he was taken hostage. And apparently his captors treated him no worse than we treat Iraqi captives.

K is so different from anyone I dated in college. He's more interested in books than beer, for one thing. He's very focused on his studies and sometimes I think he has a hard time shifting into my world. I'm willing to wade into his world, but frequently feel out of my depth. So why does he keep calling me? Has he somehow failed to notice that I'm a moron?

IS THAT WHINING I HEAR?

I never really understood the phrase "too tired to sleep" but I think maybe that's where I'm at. Friday is a busy bank day and I'm still learning, so it's stressful. The bar isn't stressful, but going there after four hours at the bank made the day seem long.

Might have to give up the blog. I'm seeing K later today, so I better try to sleep.