Pineapple & Macadamia Breeze

GUACAMOLE BOWL

I've been asked to come to work early tomorrow. With The Game kicking off about 1:30PM Honolulu time, it is expected that the bar will have many more afternoon patrons than usual and our three TV sets, which are normally discreetly camouflaged and attuned to Off, will be called to action.

I'm not so much a sports fan but with my media training, I am impressed with the hype. I heard on the radio that 270,000 visitors are in Las Vegas this weekend, many specifically to watch the game on TV as sort of an upscale version of the neighborhood Super Bowl party. Most will place a bet or two - legal in Nevada. What I didn't realize, until a discussion last night, are the intracacies and varieties of betting. Let's say the New England Patriots are favored by 7 points. As I understand it (but I won't bet I remembered all Cliff's notes correctly), if you bet on the Patriots and they win by 8 or more, you win. If they win by 6 or less (or - obviously - lose), you lose your bet. If they win by 7, you simply get the amount you wagered returned - sort of like kissing your brother (Angelina Jolie excepted).

You can also bet on dozens of minutiae like total points, which team will have the most running yards, how many fumbles will be lost, which player will score the first touchdown, who will win the most valuable player award - on and on - even which team will win the coin toss (and strange to me, the odds are slightly in favor of "heads" such that $100 on a correct "tails" bet wins $100; but to win $100 on "heads" you have to wager $105).

All of this led me to ponder ways in which to apply this silliness to the blog world. For example, we could bet on the date when Caren will hand her manuscript for Book 3 to her agent. Or, further along, who will star as the protagonist in her first filmed screenplay. (Early money is on Mandy Moore at odds of 8 to 1; by comparison, Gwyneth Paltrow is 10 to 1 and J. Lo is 100 to 1.) And we could make bets as to when Amanda's blogpatrol count of unique visitors will hit 5,000. No?

EYES OF THE BEHOLDEN

Caren Lissner’s blog today about dating was interesting to me. My vast experience in the World of Dating would lead me to agree with the idea that it’s difficult to pick someone based on a list of interests or attributes. That might also explain why a friend’s efforts to “fix you up” with someone are so rarely successful. They usually say something like, “You have a lot in common.” Common interests might give you a topic of conversation, but they certainly don’t create sparks between two people.

I fall into the latter camp in Caren’s description, although I try to keep myself open to possibilities. There were a few dates in college, but my social life was mostly with groups of friends which included both genders. And I gained the wisdom to look beyond first glance. In my freshman year, first day of Biology 101, I was involuntarily paired with a lab partner with unkempt hair and Coke bottle-thick glasses who could have been the Poster Boy for Geeks. But darned if he didn't turn out to be funny, charming, and personable. We never got as close as Carrie and Cy and I'm sure we never will. Yet he remains a friend today - even 4,000 miles away at Indiana University Med School. Whatever giddy teenage preconceptions I had of Mr. Right, they were dispelled forever by one of the best lessons I learned in college.

THE HONEYMOONERS

I hung out my official Bartender/Marriage Counselor shingle last night. I didn’t hear much of the argument, but I heard the husband’s angry “Fine.” just before he stomped out, then was elected to approach the sobbing wife to see if she needed anything. As far as I could discern, he had made a comment about her ordering ice cream with her pie, and she seemed to take it that they were headed for divorce because she had gained a couple pounds.

If you hadn’t guessed by now, I don’t have a great deal of experience in the relationship department, but I did my best to comfort the young bride. I assured her that he was a dumb-ass (not my exact description to her), but probably was just teasing her. I bought her a drink and told her she should move up to the bar and just hang out until her husband got worried and came back looking for her.

Despite my inexperience with men, I get all the humorous emails that make the rounds, and this reminded me of one I saw called “Men’s Rules”. One of the few rules I remember was something like: “If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.”

I have the night off, so I'm going to hang around here and write more comments. And by the way, how come nobody has commented on my new Quote feature?

PEARLS AND NOT

Amanda notes another TV series which had a Hawaii home. I'll have to present that synopsis to Cliff Claven and see if he can identify the show and its star. It seems to me, among my re-run viewing, that "Growing Pains" and "The Brady Bunch" had episodes or specials set in Hawaii. Of course, a number of movies have had a Hawaii locale, though the most notable were those of WWII - "Pearl Harbor" and an oldie that is a favorite of mine - "From Here to Eternity." Less memorable but with a happier tone is the King's "Blue Hawaii." No doubt there are many others.

Cliff did identify the site of the tornado that touched down on Oahu a couple of days ago: a pineapple field. I don't know if it was one of Dole's holdings or not as that corporate giant owns a good chunk (no pun intended) of the island of Lanai and, again citing Cliff as my source, it yields a million pineapples a day during harvest season. Apparently tornadoes are uncommon in Hawaii though evidently they can hit here and almost anywhere in the US. I suppose, except for Camelot, there's no place on earth where the weather is perfect 365 days a year.

HAWAIIAN EAR

Some of the banter at the bar was about the Golden Globe Awards. I didn't bother to tape as I can't abide all the fawning and preening but I am interested in who won and, thanks to good words from Val and a couple of follow-up comments, I will make a determined effort to see Lost in Translation.

I try to be reasonably up on current events and culture as part of my bartender duties and I even know who's playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday. And I have learned to be an attentive listener when a topic is out of my realm. The discussion went to TV shows set in Hawaii and, of course, "Magnum" and "Hawaii 5-0" came up. One guest - I'd call him upper middle-aged - brought up a show called "Hawaiian Eye," which he said was a detective series set at a Waikiki hotel and apparently aired circa 1960. The only person he mentioned whom I'd heard of was Robert Conrad but apparently the show ran for several years and in its time, a hit. So much I don't know.

SLIP SLIDING AWAY

My clown act was so well received at the bar last night that I’m thinking of running away to join the circus (as soon as I’ve regained the use of my foot). After spilling a rum & coke, I demonstrated my skill with a bar towel and thought I had the situation well in-hand. Unfortunately, an ice cube had escaped my towel and I managed to find it with my foot, skating gracefully for a couple seconds before hitting the floor. A couple wise asses held up napkins with scores on them, but at least they were kind enough to give me 10’s. My ankle is a little sore, but mostly just bruised my pride.

Got an email from a college friend, who’s hoping she can escape the winter for a week in Hawaii. Funny how she wasn’t excited about visiting until she read that my neighbor invited me to go clubbing. She seems to think Joan will be a better tour guide than her boring friend. (Must have missed my performance last night.)

BRUNCH

Joan knocked on my door at 9AM and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. I asked her to give me 15 minutes to make myself presentable and off we went. Joan knew a small non-touristy restaurant a few blocks in from the beach with good food. Rationalizing that this meal would serve as breakfast and lunch, I opted for a 3-egg spinach, bacon, & cheese omelet. I mean, who knows what's bad these days? Now orange juice is getting a bad rap for its carbs.

My dad would describe Joan as “a little bit of a thing” and my mom would say “cute as a button”. She wanted to know about my love life, and I confessed to having none. She’s very funny. She said, “Oh, honey, there’s no hurry, as long as you have plenty of batteries.” She suggested that some time when we can match up days off, we should go clubbing. I’ll bet she knows the fun places.

WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

Amanda raised the question of black sand beaches on Oahu, so I asked Cliff Claven last night. (Brian told me his name, but he’ll always be Cliff to me.) Sorry, Amanda, but Cliff says there are no black sand beaches on Oahu. However, I’ll bet your research failed to reveal GREEN sand beaches. I didn’t believe him, so I searched, and sure enough!

GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY

My neighbor's name is Joan, and I think we're going to get along famously. When I was returning from my walk, I saw her outside, so I stopped to say hello. She's very friendly and invited me in for a cold drink. (I'm afraid maybe I was panting.) She had to get ready to go to work, so we didn't have a whole lot of time. She works at a clothing store until 9 at night, so we decided we can have coffee or breakfast together sometime soon. I did ask her if she knew who lived in the apartment between us, and she said he's a man, about 30 or so, and she has seen but not spoken to him, other than a wave and hello. She said he dresses well and carries a briefcase. Let the speculation begin.

CHANGING PACE

I have decided that walking will be a better exercise plan than bicycling, for a couple reasons, so I'm raring to go. My recent ice cream binge and other indulgences seem to be shrinking my clothes, so it's time for a new eating plan, too.

Seems like a good excuse to go shopping for new walking shoes, but I'm not going to wait to get started. Give me a couple weeks and you won't even recognize me.

I still haven't had a chance to talk to the neighbor with the late-night visitors, but I'm going to watch for her. Curiouser and curiouser.

THE BOATING PARTY

The boat ride was very nice. It was a little damp and I saw a few people popping Dramamine, but for me a pleasant evening. Needless to say, the basic intent is to impart a spirit of Hawaii to the tourists. which is accomplished with food, drink, music and a perspective of the scenery that one does not get even from an ocean view hotel room.

Having subsisted on Hawaiian Punch during one hot Chicago summer of my youth, I have no trouble swilling fruity cocktails but Tom stayed with his Manhattans - never mix, never worry. And while I'm sure there were some among the crowd who considered the dining less than 5-star, for my simple unsophisticated palate, the surf-and-turf was delicious. Even the Pineapple Mousse - though expectably a tad tart - was a treat.

To me it is a flaw - though not a fatal flaw - that many men do not like to dance. Tom preferred watching those who jumped, jived and wailed. And I must admit, there were some darn good ones who were fun to tap our feet to.

It was too noisy to converse at this point and for some reason, my mind went back to Lit 101, and Thoreau's “I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” At times I would agree heartily with the sentiment, but last night, at least, Thoreau was wrong. Nothing is likely to come of it, but for this one evening being a couple was a lot more companionable - and nicer - than solitude. Despite a lack of common interests, Tom’s sense of humor was fun. And at evening's end, he said he would e-mail me. Yes - I'm familiar with "I'll call you."

Was back at my apartment by 11, for me an early hour, and I got further into "Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons." No bon-bons in my freezer but pints of Haagen-Daz Rocky Road and Macadamia Brittle were worthy alternative choices.

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A BAR

My wish came true. Seattle Manhattan (aka Tom) was back last night and has invited me to play Tourist with him on my night off. I love the man’s optimism. He had booked a sunset dinner cruise for two, in hopes of finding someone to take along. I suppose if he hadn't he'd have had to go alone and eat one of the tickets. And not finding a cavorter, he asked me. How could I refuse something like that?

WHAT LIES BETWEEN

Meanwhile, I still haven’t seen my neighbor next door, but a different man was exiting two doors down at 2:30 this morning. I might have to strike up a conversation with the female tenant when I see her again. Maybe she knows who lives between us.

MALIHINI MANHATTAN

Last night brought a lone vacationer to the bar. I pegged him as a malihini right off, in part because of the Seattle winter pallor, but also because most people around here don’t wear a coat and tie to order a Hawaiian burger and Mai Tai at the hotel bar.

I noticed that he wasn’t drinking his Mai Tai after tasting it, so I asked if it was all right, and he confessed it was a little sweeter than his usual drink, but he wanted to try it. His “usual” turned out to be a Manhattan, so I replaced the Mai Tai for him. One of a bartender's skills is judging when a patron would like to engage in conversation and when he/she would not. I correctly guessed yes. Turns out he is from Seattle, single, and on vacation from his accounting job. I did not ask why he was traveling alone. He is a guest at the hotel and has obvious good taste in this regard but if he expected to find a bevy of single females cavorting in the pool, he has been disappointed.

I got busy and didn’t get to talk to him much more, but he left a $5 tip. I don’t know if he’s generous or just didn’t have change, but I’m kind of hoping I’ll see him again while he’s here.

WHAT KIND OF BOND GIRL ARE YOU?

In checking the AMC website for old movies, I encountered the above-captioned quiz (scroll down the AMC homepage for it). While it is offensively sexist, you may wish to add it to your portfolio of quizzes on self-awareness. Or you may not.

WORKING OUT

Both Muck Dog and Sam have provided good advice about my exercise campaign. A pedometer would indeed provide visual evidence of one's foot-power achievements. And it wasn't until Sam brought it to my attention but the road to quiet Honolulu 'burbs is paved with fast-moving vehicles and jaywalkers.

DEFINING MOMENTS

Since reading "Carrie Pilby," I have followed her creator's blog with particular interest and thoroughly enjoy her remarks on writing. She recently noted "Sometimes coming up with a single line or character trait near the beginning of your novel improves it drastically." I don't know if Carrie had such a factor and would not presume to cite it if I thought she did. But it is an interesting point to keep in mind. Anyone have any examples?

BREAKS IN THE ACTION

Looks like my "week-end" will be taken in non-successive days. But that's okay - I will just have to make sure whatever the schedule is that I use my off time productively.

BOO WHO?

Maybe it was further nudged along by chatter at the bar last night complimentary of 14-year old golf phenom Michelle Wie but a realization has strengthened that my 15-minute walks to and from work are not adequate exercise amid Grand Slam breakfasts, take-out pot pourri, and a variety of snacks. Suspicious minds may believe I was looking for excuses to join a man-infested health club but I also placed Jazzercise and a home treadmill on my list of options. Ultimately, knowing that criticism would rain down on me for choosing an indoor activity of any type, I have put cycling atop my list. Any suggestions for keeping myself motivated? Dangling a picture of Orlando Bloom out in front might create a traffic hazard.

I’m still trying to figure out whether I have a neighbor at all in the apartment next to mine. With my late shift, I don’t usually see ordinary comings and goings, and I don’t recall ever seeing either from that apartment. Should I sniff around for foul odors emanating from there? A couple of times, in the wee hours of the morning, I thought I heard stirring around but never sure if it is in my dreams or just a random street sound. If I start finding things in the tree, I’ll know I live next door to Boo Radley.

Note on comments re: 9/11. While Amanda and I did not have the immediacy that Val had to endure, united we stand.

Also want to acknowledge comments from Sammerkona. (Do you have a nickname?) I appreciate your musical perspective. Norah Jones is definitely on my list, as well.

MACADAMIA BREEZE

Nothing like what a lot of Mainland is going through so I don't want to sound like I'm whining but some of the wind and rain that hit the islands in the past couple of days caused a lot more damage and power outages than I was aware of. When the air is moving at 40MPH and the thermometer reads 10, I call it a wind. When it's 65 degrees, to me that 40MPH is a breeze. Even so, I usually don't notice effects of the wind unless my hair dryer won't work.

Stopped at a store today and bought a Josh Groban CD. I used to apologize for my musical taste. Isn’t that funny? “Excuse me for liking something you don’t.” I got over it. And I like Josh Groban. So there.

REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST

I've only been to New York City once in my life and don't know Staten Island from Coney Island but Val has a link to "Forgotten New York" which has a bunch of interesting exhibits. One compelling photo on the main page is an aerial shot of Lower Manhattan, pre-9/11. Even for someone physically far removed from NYC as I am, the image of the Twin Towers strikes at heart and mind.

Got in at my usual 2:30AM and two doors down, a man was exiting the apartment. I have only seen a woman there before, so I don’t know if this is the man of the house or a visitor. Or perhaps telephone or cable service persons in Hawaii work 24/7.

IS IT MONGOOSES OR MONGEESE?

Tending bar is an informative profession. Maybe I’ll pick up enough useless information that I, too, can be a contender in trivia games. Last night’s shift yielded more than you ever wanted to know about the mongoose population of Hawaii, courtesy of a new patron whose name I never quite caught.

The discussion began innocently enough with a comment about the cats I’ve encountered in my neighborhood. This launched a tirade from someone about feral cats, which eventually led to Mr. Cliff Claven expounding upon the history of the mongoose in Hawaii. I feel it’s my duty to enlighten all of you, in turn.

Sometime in the past, local problems with rats in the sugar cane led to someone’s idea to control them by importing a predator. 72 Jamaica mongooses were sailed in, and (INSERT IMAGINATION HERE). You guessed it. There are no natural predators for the mongoose in Hawaii. Turns out they do eat rats, but not enough to control rat populations, and they seem to have quite an appetite for local ground-nesting birds, which are now endangered.

An interesting point is that the island of Kauai has no mongooses. Legend has it that when the shipment arrived there, the animals were thrown overboard and drowned. And that’s your Hawaiian history lesson for the day.

I forgot to wish Orlando Bloom a happy birthday yesterday, and I feel terrible about the oversight. He’s always been so generous about visiting my fantasies.

ONE FOR THE AGES

Okay - who of you out there tried to post an x-rated comment on somebody's blog and blew out everybody's Comment section?

As Brian alerted me, a number of first-time visitors reference a movie or TV show as their prior connection to Hawaii and one such is Magnum P.I. Thanks to the miracle of re-runs, I know what they mean but my main knowledge of Tom Selleck comes from his guest appearances on "Friends," as Monica's boyfriend (?) suitor (?). Though they are - I think surprisingly - only 19 years apart in real time (he was born in 1945; she in 1964), I thought the implication was a greater variance. I know true love can overcome a range like this - Catherine Zeta-Jone and Michael Douglas seem very happy even with 25 years difference - but I wonder if "Friends" fans had a problem with Monica becoming involved with an older man. Would you or I be comfortable? Is friendship with or dating a Harrison Ford okay but would we draw the line at a marital commitment?

No - I'm not eyeing Steady Patron Brad; he's married.

CONCENTRIC CIRCLES

During my senior year of college, a small group of us photo-journalist wannabes gathered regularly at a table, nursing $3 Starbucks and discussing the art of movie-making. Only a year later but many thousand miles distant, I miss those times and those friends, but am feeling that I've joined a diverse and interesting community of friends in the blog world. In following their daily lives, I find myself becoming attached to people I will never meet. I laugh or cry with them the way I would have with my college friends a year ago.

I do hope I'm not in the process of losing the meager supply of marbles I started with.

DEPARTMENT OF DUBIOUS HONORS
or A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

Was reading the local news and came across this item:


Kerri Ching crowned queen

Kerri Ching was crowned as the 2004 Narcissus Queen January 10 at the Neal Blaisdell Center Concert Hall.

Ching, a graduate of Kaiser High School and University of Hawai'i, is a major accounts coordinator at The Honolulu Advertiser. The princesses of the 55th Annual Narcissus Festival Queen Pageant are Rosalynn Chan, Sonja Tam, Julie Wong and Kristina Chang.

The event is sponsored by the Chinese Chamber of Commerce of Hawai'i.


Ms. Ching is a beautiful young lady but I wonder if being a "Narcissus Queen" might have a different connotation in a culture where Narcissus is better known as a fawning egotist than a flower.

SING FOR YOUR SUPPER, OR...

During the summer and idle time, I started watching Charles Osgood and the CBS Sunday Morning show. It comes on far too early for me here, so I have been taping it. Today’s show included a segment on a cappella (no musical accompaniment, Amy) singing on college campuses. It started at Yale University eons ago with a group called The Whiffenpoofs, who sang for drinks in a bar. They may have been the original karaoke kids.

Must admit that I enjoy the harmonies. I might lobby for karaoke night at work if we could get music as good as some of that sounded.

SPAM SCAM

Bankers aren't the brightest stars in the sky but most can type better than this. Wonder if it's the same people who are sending those Nigerian Prince letters to other bloggers:


"Dear Citi-bank Clients,

This email was sent by the Citicards server to veerify your email
address. You must cmopltee this psceors by clicking on the link
below and enteering in the smal window your Citi-Bank Debit
Card number and CARD PIN that you use on local Atm Machine.
That is done for your porecttion -a- because some of our memmbers no
lgnoer have acsecs to their email adsesders and we must verify it.

To veerify your e-mail adress and access your Citicards account, klick on
the link bellow. If ntohing hapnpes when you klick on the link -X copye
and pastte the link into the address bar of your window. (link omitted)"


When I click the link, it takes me to what seems to be a legitimate Citi page but with a pop-up box asking for Debit card account number, Pin number, and Expiration date.

Wwhat doo you thingk? Duz it sounnd leggitemut to you?

CHERRY SODA, RAINBOW SPRINKLES, ROTISSERIE CHICKEN

I’m aware that few people read this journal, and that Caren Lissner is likely among the throngs who don’t, but I liked her novel Carrie Pilby very much, and would like to do it justice by writing a review worth reading.

The protagonist is a 19-year-old prodigy who is a Harvard graduate and views herself as a social misfit. She sees a therapist once a week, and he suggests a list of goals to help advance her socialization, including going on a date and joining an organization of some kind.

The story is filled with subtle humor and insights into human interaction. Carrie feels very different from the people around her, but her observations of those she encounters show that she is not nearly as different from the rest of us as she thinks she is.

Her philosophy major seems like irony to me. Based upon the one philosophy course I took in college, it is difficult for me to imagine ANY 19-year-old having a good basis for philosophical argument. Part of the reason comes down to a difference between intelligence and wisdom. I felt capable of understanding the concepts, but out of my depth in terms of life experience. That will likely bring argument from some quarters, but that’s okay. As I said, it was just the one introductory course. What do I know? I’m not a genius.

The theme of finding one’s place in society is universal, but Carrie’s view of the world is as fresh and unique as that of Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye. I don’t mean to suggest strong parallels between the two, but simply that both are distinctive, humorous and well presented. I look forward to reading Ms. Lissner’s next book.

I also want to acknowledge Amanda’s recommendations and comments. I’m in agreement that this book will become a permanent part of my library. Amanda is the number one referrer to my blog, and I do appreciate it. Her blog is one of my favorites.

And while I’m at it, a nod and thank you to Valerie. New socks are a good thing even here, where I go without more often than not.

One more plug: Scooter Deb (Cheaper Than Therapy) is another blog I read and enjoy regularly.

PARADISE LUST

Seeing the Fellini movie inspired me to go to an electronics store and look at TiVos. But not enough to pay for the machine and then the monthly fee. Or maybe I didn't think I'd be able to learn how to operate it.

I did find a cheap diversion strolling the sands of Waikiki. All those couples in love.... Reminded me of the personals ads I read and answered during some idle time awaiting a job offer. "...likes long walks on the beach, ...." Some pain, no gain.

Perhaps this is the evening Mr. Right sits down at the bar, our eyes meet....

Well, it won't happen if I don't get to work.

STREET WALKING

Decided I should not spend the day off doing nothing so I made my way to the Honolulu Academy of Arts Museum. It has a theatre which shows indie and old films. Fellini's "I Vitelloni" was playing at one so I took it in. Made 50 years ago, it is understandably dated but that's part of the charm. It is sort of a coming of age - an advanced age - of five young, rather shiftless men in a small Italian town. It was one of the first Fellini movies and it won enough acclaim to allow him to go on to bigger movies - "La Strada," " La Dolce Vita," "8 1/2" "Juliet of the Spirits," and "Amarcord." No one needs escapism from Hawaii but I must say it was a nice change of pace and place for an afternoon and I'll explore the Academy and its offerings again.

On the way home, I stopped at a Thai restaurant. I don't know why but a woman dining alone at an Asian restaurant does not seem as strange as she does in a typical American restaurant. The food was very good. I had Som Tum (papaya salad) and Goong Gah Tiem (garlic shrimp).

Ongoing observation: a great number of stretch limos in Honolulu. There must be a breeding ground for them here.

E-MAIL BAG

I finished "Carrie Pilby" today but will organize my thoughts before setting forth my review. Snow-loving or not, Ms. Lissner can write!

With a night off and a little time while my chicken parmigiana bakes, I will finally answer a few questions family and friends have asked:


ARE YOU A BARMAID? Technically, I would be a barmaiden. But according to Webster, yes. I am also, by that source, a "taptress" - not to be confused with "temptress" (sigh).

WHAT IS A STEADICAM? - In simple terms, it is an apparatus which allows a motion picture or video camera to float. Anyone interested in this technical side of movie making can check out these two pioneers: Garrett Brown and the late Ted Churchill

WERE YOU INFLUENCED BY THE TOM CRUISE MOVIE, "COCKTAIL," TO BECOME A BARTENDER? Only in the sense of not wanting to work at a place like that. Maybe a couple of other movies were positive influences, sort of subconsciously - I'll have to think about it.

WHY HAWAII - ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS? When the "we appreciate your interest but ..." letters detoured me from jumping into a photo-journalism career, I thought what the heck - why not create my own adventures? I decided to spin the family globe and let chance take me where it would, as spinning a roulette wheel. When my finger landed on places like Port Said and the Steppes of Central Asia, I realized that rational randomness was called for. Hawaii met that criteria.

WITH YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY EXPERTISE AND ALL THE CELEBRITIES IN HAWAII, WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A PAPARAZZI? Yuck. Before I do that, I'll get a job as a telemarketer or become a hooker. [Just kidding, Mom; I'll never become a telemarketer.] But to the friend who made the suggestion, go here and play Spot the Stars.

COUNTERFEIT PLENTIES

Got my work schedule. Will be off tomorrow and Thursday. Brian says normally I would get more advance notice but the hotel rotates some of the staff among the dining venues and those with seniority have been jostling for their own best interests. As would I.

Steady Patron #1, Brad, the manager of the upscale boutique, reported with nonchalance, that the holiday season was very good for the chain's revenues. Despite fluctuations of the stock market and paper gains and losses, the discretionary spending of the Super-Rich evidently does not vary. He said a growing number of his shoppers report seeing counterfeit versions of items he sells and a few actually express resentment that he personally doesn't do more to track down the knock-offs. I'm sure the New York readers out there encounter faux Guccis, Louis Vuittons, Rolexes, etc. quite regularly. And they can probably even buy from a vagabond vendor a video of The Return of the King.

Speaking of videos, I didn't bother to set my VCR for it but "Average Joe in Hawaii" supposedly debuted last night. How about a few modifications and an "Average Jane," in which 10 hunky men compete for a plain but otherwise adorable female bartender?

BRITNEY SPEARED, BRITNEY SPEARS

When the marriage was announced, I thought it might put back into circulation for us single gals all those 20-something males who had dreams of winning Britney's hand (etc.). Alas, the wedding was quickly annulled, rekindling delusions and leaving behind the implication that the way to Britney's heart is lined with glasses of rum and Coke.


My sister Amy e-mailed me that Chicago might get a foot of snow. Despite being several thousand miles removed, I report that forecast with no glee whatsoever. I'll concede that it has its aesthetically pleasing moments but for anyone who has to shovel it, drive in it or try to find a parking place in it, snow is a pain in the butt. It will take many a solid-green winter or perhaps even dementia before I forget that.

I see by one of her blog entries (12/5) that Caren Lissner likes snow:

"People keep e-mailing me regarding the snow and saying things like, 'Well, are you happy now?!?!'
Yes. "

It will be a test of my integrity but I will still write a completely unbiased review of Carrie Pilby.

Gateway

I started reading Carrie Pilby yesterday, the novel by Caren Lissner that I heard about through the blog network. Got so engrossed I was nearly late for work. I will reserve comment until I've finished it. However, I promise not to call it a "cute little novel" as did the reviewer at Curled Up With A Good Book. She recommended the book, so maybe Caren wasn't offended, but it seemed condescending to me.

In my blog-hopping this morning, I discovered Of Moops & Men, and particularly liked this statement: “Ah, nothing says hometown pride like whining about how much the place sucks.” Laughed right out loud.

He went on to say: “New York presents itself with the vacuous slogan Gateway to Freedom on state quarters, and it sounds like something dreamed up by a soulless ad executive from Connecticut. A real New Yorker brags about how rude everyone is.” Do you suppose it should be Gateway to France instead?

To be fair, I should admit that I haven’t been to France, but my cousin, Michael, says the rumors of rudeness are understated. And remember Steve Landesberg’s standup routine? (“Did you ever feel like slapping a whole country?”)

Ho, Ho, Ho

Okay, I'm embarrassed that I did not know about Don Ho. I'm new to Hawaii, and I didn't do my research, but I will endeavor to remedy that and see the King of the Ukelele sometime soon.

It's about 70 degrees here so far this morning, and according to the forecast, we might have a thunderstorm. (See? We have winter, too.) Sorry. Believe me, I do know about winter, having grown up in Chicago.

I had trouble sleeping last night, so I was up way early and now I'm feeling sort of droopy, so I might take a nap and then add something more before I have to go to work. Will have days off soon and might finally get around to some sight-seeing.

Not sure I can afford Don Ho yet, but I'll save up.

REFLECTIONS IN A JAUNDICED EYE

The more I've thought about it, the more I believe that Amanda has come up with a wonderful idea: instead of setting forth our own New Year's resolutions, we should submit ourselves to friends and family and let them create our resolutions for us. What better way to discover any little flaws in our person or personalities that we possess but don't really see? Amanda may have revolutionized this whole annual exercise and in so doing, will make the world a better place.

A nice elderly couple was seated at the bar waiting for their table and asked if I was going to see Don Ho. "Dawn who?" I ask. Don Ho, they explained, is the Wayne Newton of Hawaii, and has been performing for 40 years. That I understood. My folks had gone to Vegas for their 25th anniversary a couple of years ago and brought back a program from Newton's show. They also got his Greatest Hits CD so the household was treated to musical reprisals of Wayne's world for several weeks.

LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY

What a nice evening. The "big" New Year's Eve celebrations in my life have been rowdy, beer-guzzling events, but this was fun and festive and celebratory without the crescendo of noise that makes you half-deaf. I would not have guessed how much I would enjoy the music. The trio seemed more likely to appeal to my parents, but they were so good! They played a variety of songs that crossed generations and genres just as the diners and bar patrons did. The bass player served as emcee for the count-down and did it with a verve that made everyone join together in welcoming 2004.

After that, as planned, I went with Brian, Kim, Artie, Colleen and Theresa to a 24-7 diner. This is a nice group and while there are always brief moments of socializing among co-workers, it was a treat to sit down together around a large crescent-shaped booth and relax. More on each of the gang in future blogs but to categorize simply, Brian, Colleen and Artie are long-time employees of the hotel while Theresa, Kim, and I are probably more transitory.

Breakfast was excellent! If you haven’t had fresh pineapple in Hawaii, then you haven’t really had pineapple. It’s a whole different fruit from what you get at a grocery store in the midwest, which was probably picked long before it was ripe. I could live on pineapple and macadamia nuts here.

The Hawaiians love poi – an acquired taste that eludes me, and they offer rice as a side dish even for breakfast. The diner offered an amazing selection of omelettes, including something I’ve never seen on a menu before: Spam. (And who'd have thought something like spam could come along to give Spam a bad name?) The banana pancakes were yummy. I guess I don’t need to describe every bite I took, but we all had loads of fun, while we ate until we could barely move.